Be still and know that I am God. These words struck me as I sat at home and try to scarf down a quick dinner. All the while, I was thinking of the million things I need to do tonight before I go to bed. “The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still”… those words suddenly came to mind as I start to worry. I’m worried about what to do with my life, accomplishing everything I need to get done today, what will make me happy and fulfilled, how my life’s timeline will all workout…. the list goes on and on. Unfortunately, I have been thinking and overthinking these things on a daily basis lately. I just don’t want to mess anything up.
I want to live the fullest life I possibly can. In my plan, I am accepted into PA school in the next year, become a PA, make some money so Ryan and I can travel and have fun together (and so we won’t be broke while he’s in medical school), have a family (4 kids, 2 boys 2 girls, preferably one set of twins), stay fit and active, maybe invent something or start a business, and live happily ever after. Then, it dawned on me that these are MY plans and MY timeline for how everything is going to and should happen.
While I may think this is what is going to make me happy, there are some issues with having this all planned out. 1. I cannot control the future to make these plans happen without a doubt, especially the timing of everything. 2. God may have bigger and better plans for me, since He knows what will really make me happy. I could miss out on “bigger and better” things if I am so set on my plans and assume my plans and timeline are God’s plan as well.
Why I’m Thinking This
This all dawned on me as I was processing what happened today. I went to an advisor to learn about a PA school. The advisor says “Are you wanting to apply this cycle?” I reply, “yes”. “Well, don’t be discouraged if you don’t get in this year” she responds. Oh. Um, well, yes I’ll be discouraged! PA school is what I’ve been working my butt off for for little money for the past 9 months now. What I worked 4 years for in college. I have the grades, I have earned lots of hours, I have the GRE score, and I want to be a PA!
…But I want it NOW.
You see, on my timeline for my life, I’m a PA by 26 or 27. Then, I can work a little bit so Ryan and I can travel before we have kids. I want 4 kids, and I’ve gotta have them all before 35 so I don’t have a high risk pregnancy. If I don’t get in in the next year, that screws my entire timeline up!!
As I feeling doomed, I thought of the verse “Be still and know I’m God”. God is in control. My life is in His hands. He knows whether I will get into PA school, and where and when I should go. God isn’t going to let me me miss an opportunity that I’m supposed to have. Ultimately, though, my worth and my fulfillment come from Him. It doesn’t come from being accepted into PA school or from my job, how much education I have, how much I’ve accomplished, how many times I’ve worked out this week, or even what others think of me. My worth comes from being a daughter of my Heavenly Father, and from being a follower Christ. I’ve been so set making my own plans and worrying about how they are all going to happen in a picture perfect timeline, I haven’t let “Jesus take the wheel”.
What I’ve Learned
So I’ve decided today I’m going to stop trying to plan out my entire future- day by day, month by month, year by year. It causes far too much stress. I still want all of those things to happen in my future and hope they do, don’t get me wrong. I believe many of the things that I want for my future can and will happen if I work hard towards them, and I will continue to. But I have to realize if something doesn’t happen, or doesn’t happen in my “perfect” timeline, it’s all for the better. My happiness and fulfillment can’t come from this timeline and perfect plan for my life. If I base my happiness in life on life going as I have it perfectly planned out, I’ll never be happy or satisfied!
While life never goes exactly as planned, it is still good. Three years ago, if someone told me I’d be living in Utah with Ryan in 2019 I would’ve laughed. First of all, I’d say that’s impossible because we are never getting back together… Plus, I was planning to apply for med schools soon, there’s no way I would be able to move to Utah in the middle of medical school. But here we are. Being married to him is one of my greatest blessings! And I believe that PA school is more of a fit for my life than medical school.
While it is fun to plan the future, obsessing over it doesn’t help anything. Obsessing over a future God already has perfectly planned out for us causes unnecessary stress and worry. What we are worrying about may or may not even happen. Plus, it shows we aren’t actually fully trusting the Lord.
I trust all long as I’m praying, reading scriptures, and trying to follow Christ, I will not be led astray. I won’t miss any opportunities meant for me. In fact, what happens as a result will be better than anything I have planned.
I hope this inspires you do the same.